Here's the thing, you have to get a license to drive a car but they let anyone be a parent. And, more pertinent to this conversation, they let anyone, may I repeat, ANYONE name their kid. So, while that might have some VERY unfortunate consequences for a few unlucky kids, it provides serious entertainment for those of us with parents who actually put some thought into naming us. With that in mind, here are 10 of the worst names ever. Seriously, these parents should be locked up... (and what the hell is wrong with Missouri?)
- John Koffman (Murfreesboro, TN) - His friends call him Jack...
- Sharonda Cox (Saint Louis, MO) - It might be pronounced ShaRONda but it sure looks like "sharin' da" to me...
- Justin Butts (Springfield, MO) - I'll take gay jokes and monthly therapy bills for a lifetime please, Alex.
- Harry Ball (Castle Rock, CO) - Insert pretty much any joke here. Seriously, Harry's lucky he made it out of middle school.
- Amanda Buttram (Conway, MO) - I know, I know, I didn't believe it myself at first. But trust me, it gets worse (or funnier depending how sadistic you are).
- M. Y. Butt (Saint Louis, MO) - When did St. Louis decide it hated babies?
- Richard Large (Eufaula, AL) - Good ole' Dick might have hated filling out forms last name first but I'm guessing Richard Little (Saint Louis, MO) would probably be willing to trade.
- Ben Dover (Nineveh, IN) - I wish I were kidding. Look it up. Shouldn't there be some sort of mercy rule for this type of thing?
- Gayford Buttram (Niangua, MO) - And the Buttram family makes their second appearance on the list. Here's a tip, if your last name includes the word Butt in it (in which case, again, I'm sorry) please for the love of everything holy don't put the word "gay" anywhere near your poor kid's name. You know... not that there's anything wrong with that.
- And last but certainly not least we have Michael Huntsucker (Kansas City, MO) - $1,000 and my first born child says he doesn't go by Mike.
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I was in the service with a guy who had the last name Pipes.
He named his son Rusty. I’m not making this up either.
If you havent’ read the “About Hilarious Names” page, you should. Suffice it to say I’m one of the folks who gave the owner of this site the name BJ (he’s lucky he wasn’t a girl, our choice for that was “Hot Lips”).
In our defense I can only say that it was a time before text messaging when people spoke in complete words. When we were upset we said things like “WHAT THE F•••” rather than WTF. I know we wasted a lot of time that way but we got by.
It was only later that a possible problem arose and by then it was too late and, to tell the truth, we didn’t really care all that much. After all we were also the generation that grew up on Johny Cash’s hit, “A Boy Named Sue.” We figured he’d either grow up tough or die. And he did manage to grow up, so I guess no harm no foul.
I could also mention the initials we didn’t use including (sticking with the Bs here) BM and BS. Either of which might have been more appropriate as it turns out.
And, in closing, I would like to remind my son that I’m aware of the other nicknames he got stuck with in junior high and high school and I’m not afraid to post them if he continues to give his mother and I grief.
@ Nathan, Lol that’s fantastic. Any idea what state the guy lives in now? I’m looking for Rusty right now but haven’t found him yet.
When I was younger, I knew a man that we called “Mr. Harry”. I always thought that was odd, until my mom told me his last name was Faget, or something along a similar spelling, but equally ominous pronunciation.
Jess… maybe it was originally supposed to be pronounced fa jay and lost something in the translation? Poor guy.
Can’t we have some sort of child naming review board?
Those made me laugh really, really hard… I mean loud. I really shouldn’t use that other word on a page like this.
in highschool i had a principal named Mr. Bater….. safe to say he didnt want us saying Mister before his name
Haha! Wendy, as long as you’re not naming your kid I think you’re ok.
Jeff I had a professor who’s first name was Anis. You can guess what we called her.
I was in the army with a “Private B.J. Dick” yeah things were rough for him.
I will scan my course roster and upload it to flickr in a few…
-Lee
Me & R have a friend with the last name Rhodes. His name is Dusty, his brothers name is Rocky, His Kids are Stony and Sunny. They kinda got stuck with a built in theme.
Co worker named “Richard Long”
He got laid off, then I lost contact – do you realize how many Richard Longs there are in the world???
There was an ob-gyn in my hometown named Harry Beaver. He delivered two of my cousins, so this isn’t just a funny school yard rumor that someone started.
I once knew a man by the name of Richard Cummings. True story.
You guys fail at tracking names, there is one and only one guy in the US that should be crying right now. His name is Gay Gaylord. You heard me right, his complete name, is Gay Gaylord. How come it’s not on your list? (By the way, Gaylord is a pretty widespread family name.
I had a coworker whose name was Susan Parisi. Anytime that she went by Sue… and spoke her lastname also, it sounded a little insulting… Sue-Pa-risi (pronounced reasy).
i know a girl who has the last name Methe. her parents named her Crystal
Friend of a friend (so who knows, it’s probably made up) had a friend called Dawn Service. All I can say is I hope she married into it.
I actually have a friend called Jack Gough, no shit.
He was always getting paid out by teachers and people calling bullshit etc, he said his parents were drunk and thought it would be funny while naming him.
There was a rumour that his middle name was ‘King’ but that turned out to be bullshit.
This is in Australia btw
I had a boss whose name was Seymour Weiner, he used to walk around wearing a baseball cap with a hotdog logo on it. He was a funny guy.
A friend’s mother was called Ophelia Cox. She remarried rather smartly.
I went to school with a kid named Adam Weed, whose father’s name was Richard. Good ole’ Dick Weed.
The East Alabama Medical Center “Stork Bytes” (baby birth announcements) pages have some true gems.
Shi’Miracle and D’love O’Christ are my two favorites.
http://www.eamc.org/stork/frames.asp
Some of those’re pretty bad. At our school we have a Hinei Raish and an Aaron Ramsbottom. Don’t believe me? I’ll show you the directory.
Amy Dickhoener, Cuba, MO
And yes she has a daughter is elementary school, good luck getting a boyfriend.
of course there’s the nascar driver named “Richard Trickle” who unabashedly goes by ‘Dick’
I worked at a place that had a customer named Harry Muff. I didn’t believe it and asked the manager, he said it was true… still didn’t completely believe it until his daughter came in to buy something on his account. Rough for the guy but I’m sure it was so much worse for his daughter.
My dentist’s name is Les Plack. Look it up if you don’t believe me.
I know a kid whose sister is named Amanda Pfister. The ‘p’ in Pfister is, to everyone’s endless amusement, silent.
My brother’s college professor was named Huj Wang, or something like that. All he did the first day of class was write his name on the board and tell the students to get the laughs over with, then he walked out. (University of South Carolina.) a freind in the nave told me of a girl that enlisted named Guzzler. of course the first rank is Seaman…thats probably madeup though.
Okay, my name is Jack, and my sisters name is Jill. I’m always telling people that we were lucky that my folks didn’t name us Humpty and Dumpty. There’s a family in town here by the name of Cane. Yep, the daughters are Candy and Sugar. There’s also a local insurance guy by the name of Harry Glands-no joke. I laugh every time I hear his commercials on the radio!!
The hottest girl in school was named: Toy Cox
@13… I got you beat…
I had a History teacher named Rod Cummings…. Actual full name..
Here in town, there’s an accountant with billboards all over the place on the big avenues. His name?
Harry Littlejohn
No, this is not made up, even though my name is…
Maybe I’m an idiot but could someone please explain to me what’s wrong with the name “John Koffman”. Thx
@ bw – the commentary next to it should help a bit. Men by the name of John often go by the name of Jack as well. Therefore – the name becomes Jack Koffman which sounds strikingly similar to “jack off man”
There’s a really nice guy at our office named Long Thang. Also, we have Phat Duong, and Dung Dang. I also hear of a guy named Phat Ho.
Went to college with a guy by the name of Richard Sack… Yeah… he used to wear a blue shirt all the time… we called him Big Blue, until we learned his real name. Then he became Big Blue Dick Sack…
One of my co-workers is Paul Dickey, claims he is planning to name his first born son Harry. Also, network names are first initial, last name. Recently, Jay Acker (jacker) left the company. I can’t wait until we hire Frank Ucker.
My boss’ name is Harry Butt….his son’s name is Seymour…..people need to take the Homer Simpson route to naming their kids and take into account the Playground Rules =P
If I had been a boy my parents were planning on naming me Peter, making my initials PAN. Peter Pan haha. Lame I know. But there’s a girl in my town famous by her name and only that, Jenna Toll.
I knew a girl named Anita Woodcock many years back, and less enticing but equally odd, 2 brothers named rusty ford fender and dusty dodge fender.
I was in Navy “A” school in Great Lakes with a Seaman Stains.
There was an olympic swimmer from Arizona in one of the past couple olympics named Misty Hymen…much worse than any of those names.
In my hometown there was a woman running for reelection for a council position and her slogan was “Keep moff in office.” Her first name is Jackie. ALmost every sign in town ended up in a kids room w/ jackie moff on it.
I saw in a yearbook (yes I *saw* it, but it wasn’t my yearbook so it coulda been faked) a kid named Eric… … Eric Shunn. *boing* (not a joke)
When I was in junior high, I participated in a lot of drama competitions between the other schools in the town. I heard the most unfortunate name ever during the awards ceremony at one of these. Her name was Anita Buttmaster, no joke. It was so sad because whenever her name was called the entire auditorium of about 600-700 kids laughed. Talk about traumatizing…
The manager above me in my first job was named Peter Ennis, imagine that hanging over you at work….
Once met a girl named “Shithead”
It was pronounced ‘Sheh-th-aid”
We used to have a teacher by the name of Mrs. Fryrear…the students always sd “she fried her rear on every friday”. That was bad. I felt for her.
I went to school with a girl named Jenny Poop and she was a horrible kid – but as an adult, I don’t blame her. Who can be nice when you have to go to school with the last name Poop? I’m guessing she got married as soon as she could just to rid herself of the that albatross…
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